THE RANT: Assholes, Warriors, Hulksters, & Escorts... Oh My!

Submitted By James Walsh on 07/03/08

What a few weeks it has been for pro wrestling. With the draft, the return of the Ultimate Warrior, and Ashley quitting, I can barely catch my breath! So, lets start ripping some new assholes, shall we? TOPIC 1: THE RETURN OF THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR: Lets start with someone you already consider an asshole, the Ultimate Warrior. I personally don't dislike Warrior. On the contrary, I think his ability to stay reliant in a world that has a 2 second attention spand and a business that kicks people in the ass for getting old is stunning. And, like it or not, his return to the ring was a success on so many levels. Despite the WWE's release of the "Self Destruction" DVD, Warrior's popularity cannot be questioned. That crowd was electric for him and he did a lot of his signature moves for their enjoyment. In fact, if it wasn't for the gray hair, one could say it is almost like time stood still for the Warrior physically. Sure, he's a little smaller than he used to be. But, who wants to be the size he was as he gets up in age? That no longer looks natural.... Though being as big as he once was bordered on unnatural at a young age. Bottom line is this. Warrior wouldn't get the shit he gets if he was a more likable person in real life. Because few like him, they express that view in interviews and the insider fans run with it. As a worker, I give him credit. Sure, he doesn't do a hell of a lot. But, he has never needed to. You can't argue with success. TOPIC 2: HULK HOGAN & THE FAMILY DRAMA: I guess I am such a big fan of Hulk Hogan that I will be one of the few to take up for the guy. But, I have to believe that even if I wasn't a long-time devoted Hulkamaniac, I'd still see it this way. Here's how I read it on a time line. - Hulk Hogan doesn't succeed as a musician. - Hulk Hogan does succeed as a wrestler. - Hulk Hogan uses his fame to get a TV show to expose her daughter's music to audience so she can make it. - Enter family egos and insanity. Yes, I firmly believe it was the success of the "Hogan Knows Best" TV show that really screwed up this family. While Hulk always "had an ego" as every journalist and wrestler who never made it and needs a scapegoat has said, an ego was new to Linda. Combine Linda's ego with a mid-life crisis and you have a Molotov cocktail with a match to go. Bang goes the family. Even on the reality show, which at times was a far stretch from "reality", Linda was all over Hulk about changing... Changing his look, changing his clothes, getting rid of his old things... Who does she think went out there and busted up his knees, hips, and back to give that family the money they have? It was good enough to make millions but after decades of marriage, he has to change? Give me a break. So, Linda starts sleeping with a 19-year-old child and that doesn't get reported until Hulk Hogan's name is dragged through the mud for dating a 33 -year-old woman who was reported to be Brooke's friend. Seems to me a 33-year-old would have a little more to offer intellectually than a 19-year-old. At 19, you don't know shit about shit. It is lust at that age. But hey, Hulk must be wrong, right? The only thing that I've yet to break through to people about this situation is the phone calls Nick made from jail to Hulk and what Hulk says. While I'm sure the calls were completely played out of context to make the story more sexy, I do have to pose this question to even the firmest of believers in the authenticity of these calls being played in appropriate context. Have you ever heard a jail cell phone call before? Better yet, if it were your kid and he was in jail and considered to be a risk to himself, would you not play along to what he was saying to keep his sanity? Compassion, even for the convicted, should be allowed for a parent to have. I mean, imagine if we could have heard the jail cell phone calls of OJ Simpson all over the news. Despite my defending of Hulk, I do blame him for one thing and as far as I can see, it is the only thing he is guilty of. That is spoiling his kids. Gene Simmons, KISS' bass player/co-vocalist, has a reality show just like "Hogan Knows Best" called "Family Jewels". Yet, you won't see his kid Nick in trouble because while he supports them and gives them more than most of us can afford to give our kids, it is not a never-ending ride on the money train for these kids. If they want more, they have to get out and work for it. For whatever reason, I don't think those guidelines were applied to the Hogan kids and thus the current problem. But, that is speculation as I have never been in the house and seen the family unit function. Bottom line... Nick did wrong. He hurt his friend who was like a family member to the Hogan family. Hulk feels terrible and is trying to help. Nick is in jail and is not the most rational person in the world to get opinions from because of it. Linda is enjoying her time in the spot light and probably is tangled up in her own web causing her to feel overwhelmed as well. Brooke has wisely kept out of it as much as she can. Back off the family. They're like any family who had an unfortunate accident take place. Give them some space and let them work it out. But, don't judge someone for what they say without putting it into context. Remember, you can judge now all you want but someday, your judgment day will come. TOPIC 3: ASHLEY QUITS THE WWE: Speaking of assholes... Maybe for the right price? Couldn't resist! Ashley Massaro is not that great for pro wrestling. But, I won't dogpile on her and trash her. Taking her story at face value, if her kid has fallen ill, let her go take care of the kid. And, I wish her well. But, isn't it funny that this comes just a few months after the yet uncleared up story of her past as an escort broke? Sounds suspicious. Bottom line, if her kid is sick, go take care of her. Best of luck to you both! But, I can't say pro wrestling will miss her too much... She just wasn't that good... Plus, Jimmy Eat World f***ing blows. TOPIC 4: CM PUNK WINS THE WWE TITLE! Ready for this, folks? I was wrong! I don't admit it much because it is rare that I am proven wrong. I'm wrong a lot but it is rare that it is PROVEN that I am! But, I'm glad I was wrong. CM Punk is the right kind of guy to be the face of the WWE right now. Straight-edge. No drugs! With complicated times for kids, his message is what they need. I'm not sure a "train, say your prayers, eat your vitamins" message would work with how cynical we've become but having the basic same values on display in the year 2008 is necessary. Bottom line, Larry Zbyszko said there needs to be more heroes in wrestling. It is hard not to hope that the values of CM Punk will somehow be viewed as heroic to children of today. That is all for today! More will come soon! 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